Trying to be me

I have been trying all my life to be me, and failing miserably at it.

Must people around me would think that I have the concept of myself all figured out, since I have never been good at doing as I’m told. I have done as I have pleased in every moment of my life. I understood quite early on, that choices have consequences and that I might as well stand by my choices if I was to enjoy or suffer the outcome.

I have been a rebel, just not the rebel you are imagining, but a sort of boring rebel. The problem has been that together with understanding consequences, I also realized how my actions impact others. So, I became extremely careful and cautious in choosing the things that pleased me, depending on how they affected others.

You would think that by doing this, I would basically do what I was told, but it was even worse, I decided that the things that please me (and hence the ones that I would do) would be those that benefit others, even if the other is not asking. Not ever stopping to ask what was beneficial for me or in which ways some of my choices would harm me.

This has been the biggest failure when attempting to live my life, I always try to live somebody else’s.