Russian Doll

Picture a Russian doll with tens of smaller dolls each one inside the other. Now picture an elevator going exactly through the middle top to bottom. This is how I picture my inner self.

The exterior is there for anyone to see, but inside, the elevator doors open only on some floors for some people. The walls on the dolls are made of wood, some thicker than others. You have to enter the floor and walk around to see what is in each one.

There is someone with access to my most intimate secrets, yet they don’t know what I like to read about. There is another that knows when I am sick or longing, but ignores what makes me laugh.

I sometimes get lost in the inner floors and can’t find my way back up. Sometimes I keep making outer doll nicer and then can’t figure out how to crawl back inside.

I have dreams of elevators that go sideways, I wonder if my dolls would look the same this way. Why would this even matter?

If I ever loose my mind, which floor would be keeping it?

Some floors I have never entered and in others the elevator just doesn’t stop.

The smaller doll is empty, I long to go there but fear staying too long.

Ciao Nena

Mienteme

Algunos poetas y cantores hablan de mentir como un acto de amor. Mentir y no clavar una daga profunda en el corazón del otro. Mentir y que siga viviendo en la felicidad constante y absoluta de la ignorancia.

Si la verdad fuera romántica, hablarían de revelar. Dejar que el otro vea a toda luz. Clavarle la espada de la verdad. Obligarle a vivir en la felicidad ambigua e intermitente de la realidad.

A mi, mienteme. Mentir es verbo, verdad es sustantivo.

Being a Mother

I will go from being the one that keeps you alive, to being your source of comfort, to being the love of your live, to being your captor, to being your annoyance, to being someone to tolerate, to being someone you would like to get to know better, to being your inspiration, to again being the love of your live and finally to being the one you wish you could keep alive.

You will go from being the love of my life, to being my entire life. That’s it.

Leading with Fairness

Fairness does not mean equality, it does not mean justice. Fairness is about being impartial, absent of favoritism and no discrimination.

Fairness is a personal value for me. It has allowed me to see life objectively and to see situations and people without the magnifying glass of judgement. As a leader, fairness has driven me to give a top appraisal to someone I don’t particularly like and to fire someone who is very close to my heart.

It is very hard to have fairness as a personal value and not be in permanent conflict with the corporate life, specially as a leader, what makes it even harder is corporate politics.

Corporate life is impregnated with politics, performance appraisals, calibrations. Adjectives such as being visible, having stature, being assertive, have predominance over verbs such as execute, deliver and perform. It is hard for a leader to practice fairness when subjective assessment is the overarching norm.

I have learnt through my career (the hard way), that the only way to succeed as a leader for a person driven by fairness is to understand that subjective evaluations are just as fair as any other alternative. One has to understand that people that grow their careers through the political shortcut, rather than the performance longhaul, are well deserving of their achievements. And that when great people are let go or choose to leave the company due to lack of fit, that is fair too.

Why is it fair? because fairness doesnt mean justice and it doesnt mean equality. It means impartiality and objectiveness: which applies to the individual as well as the environment and the assessment of a reality where packaging being an intricate part of the content.

In the earlier years on my career I had recurring instances of being called out to have bad stakeholder management skills. When I first tried to get a job, objectively I was smart, driven, well accomplished in school and in real need of a job. The reality was that I got rejected several times. I got rejected twice in the company that by the third attempt offered me a job. Why did I get that job? a) because the hiring manager did not interview me, b) because they were on a hurry, c) because it was an intern’s job and they just needed a human to do it, and d) because a friend brought my name forward. Six months later, I had managers from other areas asking me to refer to them some of my acquaintances that were more “like me”. It turned out that they loved to have people “like me”, only that their recruiting process kept “me” out twice, and would have continued to do so if I hadn’t gotten lucky. Was this fair? yes, perfectly fair. It was life and I did not have the skills needed to make it. It is not a broken system or a bad system, it the system and it was my job to know the rules and skill up.

Since the moment that one of the managers who had passed on hiring me, asked me to refer someone “like me”, I made it a personal objective to improve my interview skills. I read, I prepare, I ask people from HR for a glance on their hidden world. Ever since, I have gotten offers on most of the positions I have gone for.

As a leader, I lead with fairness by showing the world for what it is and by allowing each of my team members to approach it to the best of their abilities. I am transparent and direct and I make sure to take the time to know everyone as an individual and more importantly making sure that they know themselves and they learn to play with what they have in the reality they are in.

I still struggle with politics, and I still wish that people who delivers is taken more into account. However, I am fair to myself as well, I know which are my alternatives and I know the probable outcome of eachone. So when I consiously choose the “slow lane” I dont feel bitter or upset or disengaged. On the contrary, buy choosing to be myself, I am happier doing what I am doing. I have sincere respect for those who choose the “fast lane”. Their sucess is fair and well deserved, hopefully they are also happy doing what they are doing.

The short story of leading through fairness is:

Taking the time to know each one and help them with their development with taylor made actions.

Clearly explaining the reality as it is, with the facts and rules of the game. Being transparent about the good and the bad and then letting them make their own choices.

Hold each individual accountable for their actions. Most importantly oneself. Delivering on promises consistently.

Try new things to push personal bounderies.

Understand that everyone wants to grow their careers fast, yet not everyone is able or willing to pay the prices. The more evident that this becomes, the more productive the team will be.

There is always a choice to be somewhere else. No one should be tricked into staying with false promises.

Decisions

I have made so many decisions on your behalf. How could I possibly know they have been the right ones? I guess only you will show me.

Trying to be me

I have been trying all my life to be me, and failing miserably at it.

Must people around me would think that I have the concept of myself all figured out, since I have never been good at doing as I’m told. I have done as I have pleased in every moment of my life. I understood quite early on, that choices have consequences and that I might as well stand by my choices if I was to enjoy or suffer the outcome.

I have been a rebel, just not the rebel you are imagining, but a sort of boring rebel. The problem has been that together with understanding consequences, I also realized how my actions impact others. So, I became extremely careful and cautious in choosing the things that pleased me, depending on how they affected others.

You would think that by doing this, I would basically do what I was told, but it was even worse, I decided that the things that please me (and hence the ones that I would do) would be those that benefit others, even if the other is not asking. Not ever stopping to ask what was beneficial for me or in which ways some of my choices would harm me.

This has been the biggest failure when attempting to live my life, I always try to live somebody else’s.

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